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Personal stories - Macey
My official diagnosis was in 1989. I then took another test in
1990 in the UK to confirm the legitimacy of it. At first, I felt
disbelief that I was infected. I thought, ‘how could I have been
so stupid?’ In a way, I was expecting it because between late
1987 and 1988 I was involved with someone who was using
drugs regularly. By the time he had come clean about it, we had
been together almost a year. I asked him to have a test with me
but he refused! After a few attempts to help him to come off
the drugs, and a few incidents with the police, I had had it with
him and ended the relationship.
I met my husband in 1989 and in the early 1990s I lived in a
small town in Somerset where the centres of the community
were the post office and the local pub. The first six months
living in the middle of nowhere were tough. I didn’t know
anyone except my mother-in-law, so I was extremely
emotionally and socially isolated. For almost four years, we led
a life in what was supposed to be normal British society: as a
wife and a husband who both worked and went to the pub quiz
at weekends.
I found it hard to cope with HIV; I attempted suicide on more
than a few occasions because I really thought there was no
hope for me. My husband encouraged
me not give up and to try to stay
positive, he took me to see a
clinician at a GUM clinic in
Bath but they knew nothing
about how I should deal with
the issue. All they said was
that as long I was happy and
not stressed out, then the
virus would not attack my
immune system, which was not
helpful. There was no one I
could talk to or ask questions
about simple things.
My marriage was an
abusive one; I remember
after one fight in
particular when he had
tried to strangle me,
the neighbours called
the police and they
took me to the hospital.
After almost three years
the level of abuse was too much and I become homeless. The
women’s refuge sounded scary to me at the time and I had no
idea what it was so I refused their help. Instead, I knocked on
the door of an acquaintance and I stayed with her. It was the
first time I felt comfortable enough to tell to someone about
my positive status, it was tough to disclose but a relief. One
of her friends found out about a support group for positive
people. The nearest centre at the time was in Bristol, which
was about a good hour’s drive from where I lived. When I got
there the first positive woman I spoke to gave me a hug and I
burst into tears; I couldn’t stop myself! I had hated myself and
had almost given up hope. I just couldn’t see the point of living,
until I received counselling from an HIV organisation. I tried to
attend the support group that ran once or twice a month but I
only really started attending regularly when I moved to Bristol
in early 1995.
The hardest thing has been dealing with loss. From mid-1990
onwards, I met so many wonderful people and I lost so many
great friends. I used to go to a funeral every month, and more
often than not, twice a month. By 1997, I decided to stop
attending them because I simply couldn’t cope and I was
numbed by it.
I have moved around a lot, to different cities, including London,
partly because of an abusive relationship but mainly to be closer
to support. Disclosure is more or less impossible, especially in
small towns, and when it comes to meeting people with whom
there is the possibility of an intimate relationship, I usually
disclose my status before I am involved. I have come across
many people who avoid telling their sexual partners for fear of
rejection. I can understand them completely because I know that
prejudice is enormous and people are so ignorant. Nowadays,
HIV is not a death sentence but the stigma and prejudice
continue. I believe that we are more isolated then ever because
we are expected to pop some pills and be just like any other
human being. We see fewer and fewer support groups these
days; if this was a symptom of people managing independently,
it would be a good thing, but I don’t think so. I feel, as we are
all human, we need people around us to share our worries with
from time-to-time.
If you would like to read more stories like this one you can subscribe to Positively Women magazine or click here for more stories online. |
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