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Personal stories - Bea
‘Can I have my children tested?’ I managed to
mumble those words. The doctor had just given
me my HIV test results; I was positive. My mind
was racing, pictures of the ‘thinning’ bodies I saw
back home in Uganda were flashing in my head,
the pictures of death were too vivid! I stared
blankly into space, holding on tightly to my
children. Grateful that at least I was a mother, my
concern now was with their health; surely, they
must be positive! I could not imagine that it was
possible to have healthy children after a positive
diagnosis. I could hear the doctor talking, ‘there
is no point in getting your children tested now
because they are not yet five years old’. I did
not shed a tear; in shock, I left the hospital and
headed home like a zombie to break the news to
my husband. He was my only source of support
at the time. The stigma was very high in my
community and since I did not have any physical
symptoms, I did not tell anyone outside the
medical team; it became the big secret in my life.
All this happened at Mayday Hospital on the 6th of
June 1992. I was not given any pre-test counselling
and I had to wait two weeks to see a counsellor
even after diagnosis! There was no specialist HIV
clinic, and I used to see a consultant in the chest
clinic. Appointments were characterised by a long wait
since there were no specific, allocated times, and a
ten-minute session with the consultant, if you were lucky.
Just as well, because all he ever did was let me know my
CD4 count, then send me off for more blood tests;
the dreaded lab forms with a big red sign in the
middle and the words ‘highly infectious’. I remember
sneaking around the hospital corridors with my
form folded until I got to the blood test department
where you could see the nurses’ discomfort from
their body language; or was I projecting my own fear
and discomfort onto others? I remember vividly that
with every appointment my CD4 was dwindling and
with it my life. I didn’t understand how it worked,
but the steady drop, was an indication I was facing
imminent death.
Close to breaking point, I was saved by the
National AIDS Helpline service who directed me to
the ACE project. The organisation has since closed
down, but the wonderful people I met there
were my salvation. This was my first opportunity
to meet other people like me, HIV positive. The
majority were gay men, one of whom in particular
inspired me to carry on, and who had been positive
for 14 years. Even though my GP had given me
leaflets about Positively Women, I didn’t have the
courage to contact them; besides at the time they
were located in Sebastian Street which seemed so
far away from Croydon, especially with two young
children. Little did I know that at the time there
was travel assistance!
My life changed dramatically the day I finally
braved the doors of PW. I can’t believe it’s almost
15 years since my diagnosis! A lot has changed,
more complacency, increased diagnoses, treatment
options, but the stigma remains.
I believe behind every cloud is a silver lining.
Today I can say that my diagnosis was a blessing
in disguise because it gave me the opportunity
to understand the value of life and to search for
my true self. I couldn’t agree more with Rhonda
Britten in Fearless Leaving: ‘Adversity has the effect
of eliciting talents that would otherwise have lain
dormant.’ The struggle continues, but I now know
there is more to me than the HIV.
If you would like to read more stories like this one you can subscribe to Positively Women magazine or click here for more stories online. |
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